Dichotomy: a division or contrast between two things that are or are represented as being opposed or entirely different.
I’m reflecting upon one of the several dichotomies (is that a word?) in me:
- a part of me which is very serious because she didn’t have the leeway to be a “happy” or “free” in an emotionally abusive household and
- to its opposite, the part of me which had to be suppressed - which IS naturally happy, joyful, playful, child-like, and likes to have fun without a care in the world.
Both are parts of me that I want to accept wholeheartedly.
But only one of them kept me safe - the serious one.
Becoming serious about life, academics, success, achievement was the part that kept me safe because 1. I knew it would get them (family and crappy adults in my life) off my back 2. This would be the part of me that’d help me escape from the painful circumstances of my life when I was a teenager (I’m thankful to this part for helping me escape).
But now, as an adult, I see how I revert back into this serious part when things get difficult or stressful, leaving my inner child feeling neglected.
At the time of writing this post, I feel stressed because I feel stuck in a job where I am not growing/expanding - which is what I value the most. I’m not doing the things I wish I were doing. I’m not living up to my potential, which is just sad. And this has brought out the serious part out, rendering me incapable of feeling joy.
It is not self-loving to expect yourself to feel “happy” or “joyful” like a child when you’re stuck in a situation you wanna get out of asap, I know it is valid to feel this way.
But at the same time, I am mourning the child-like part of me which had to be suppressed and is being neglected right now when I have to be “serious”. But she isn’t gone, she isn’t lost; she’s just being neglected right now :(
The current situation feels like its sucking all the joy out of my life - I need to do something about it.